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For me as a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve always believed that politeness is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a happy life, I’ve battled very low self-confidence. This mix of aiming to be considerate and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Frequently, it happens so automatically that I’m barely noticing of it. It stems from anxiety and has affected both my private and work life. It annoys my loved ones and workmates, and then I get upset when they point it out—which only heightens my anxiety.

Presenting and Asking Questions

This excessive apologizing is especially troubling when it comes to public speaking or asking questions in front of people. I try to have a script to stay on track and avoid anxious tangents, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an starting scholar in political science, speaking confidently is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through exposure therapy, such as leading sessions and forcing myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing humiliations from established male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I return to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I don’t think I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve made peace with that. I still value life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to curb the frequent sorrys. I’ve heard that therapy might benefit me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used correctly. Too little or too excessive, and you place a burden on others.

Exploring the Causes

A psychotherapist might explore where this habit comes from. Questions like, “How early were you when this started?” or “Was it internally driven or learned from someone close to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once helped us become unhelpful in later years.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as self-sabotage. You are aware it bothers those around you, yet you continue it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on being rather than striving. Much of good therapy is about self-awareness, not just problem-solving. A qualified professional will supportively question you, offering a secure environment to explore and embrace who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a connection-based method with a supportive guide might be more beneficial. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you treat, disregard, and undermine yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your self-esteem can grow from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing ingrained patterns is hard, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by considering on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an effort to avoid discomfort or being seen, by recognizing perceived mistakes before others do. This can create a vicious circle of frustration and nervousness.

Even processing later can be helpful. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel heard without you taking accountability.

This process will take patience, but recognizing there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward change.