Nighttime Comics Target Trump's Latest 'Gold Card' Immigration Plan

Television's top hosts spent their evening criticizing former President Donald Trump's recently unveiled visa program, labeled the "Trump card," portraying it as a obvious cash-for-residency system for the wealthy.

The Late Show's Sarcastic Analysis

Kicking off his broadcast, Stephen Colbert offered a sardonic Christmas song about the president. "He's making a list, checking it twice, before handing that list to the agents at ICE," he crooned. "Donald Trump ... destroys all he handles."

Colbert's target was the controversial plan that allows international nationals to purchase U.S. residency for the price of a million dollars, with a "premium" option for $5 million. The program's portal pledges processing "with unprecedented speed."

"One message here to rich immigrants: before you pony up, what about Canada?" Colbert remarked.

He pointed out that the program is also meant to "extract cash" from firms looking to hire foreign workers, with hefty fees. "That is a lot of fees, however if you enroll, you also get two free nights at a property of your choice – provided that it's the Tampa Marriott Bonvoy," he continued.

"The best vetting the government has ever done," stated Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick, "that $15,000 vetting to ensure these people absolutely are eligible to be in America."

"That is important, you gotta prove you're suitable to be an American," Colbert responded. "The initial query: how many burgers would you eat for a free T-shirt?"

Jimmy Kimmel's Scathing Critique

On his own show, Jimmy Kimmel dubbed the visa program the "American Dream Express Card."

"It's a card that will allow affluent overseas citizens to live here," he said. "For a million bucks, you get legal visitor status, you get a road to citizenship, and a presidential pardon for one major crime of your choosing."

"Maybe it's time to update that message on the Statue of Liberty – never mind your tired masses. Hand over a million bucks, you're in!" he remarked.

Kimmel mocked the simplicity of the application, saying it is "tougher to start a Wordle account." He remarked that Trump "sees citizenship is something you can sell, like a steak."

"Indeed, the top people are the rich people," Kimmel said. "That's what Jesus constantly said! Read it in the Bible. He says it's easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle provided that you offer the needle a million dollars."

Seth Meyers on Affordability Concerns

On another network, Seth Meyers focused on Trump's slipping approval numbers amid financial anxiety. "Voters gave Donald Trump a another term since they were angry about the economy," he noted.

This week, in a bid to tackle prices, Trump conducted a briefing in front of a display of grocery items, where he reacted oddly to boxes of cereal.

"What a nice job, I think I'm going to take a few of them back to my place and have a lot of fun," Trump said. "Such as the Cheerios, I haven't had Cheerios in a ages."

"He is so fucking weird," Meyers said. "What do you mean, you're going to take them home to your cottage to have a lot of fun with them? What's the plan with those Cheerios?"

Meyers wrapped up by criticizing right-leaning media arguments of Trump's financial record. "Maybe rather than complaining, you should give him a shiny trophy similar to the one FIFA did," he laughed.